I recently received an email from a client that went like this:
"Dear Michael,
I tried to break up with my girl today, but it was unsuccessful. I think of her as being clingy, overbearing, domineering, and over emotional. I don't feel comfortable in expressing myself to her, and I'm always holding my breath in fear that I'll do or say something that will result in an emotional outburst. I just don't feel comfortable with her.
Anyway, I tried to break up with her. I tried to keep it simple and didn't blame her for anything. Then she wanted to know all the reasons why I wanted to break it off. I didn't want to tell her because now she wants to work out the problems and move on. The thing is I don't want to proceed with the relationship, and if I continue I'll be in a marriage that I don't want to be in. All the reasons I gave weren't respected. Almost of if she's saying, "Let's hurry up and get through this so we can move on [with our relationship]." These are deep concerns I have and there not to be solved in a twenty minutes.
[The letter goes on in detail -- omitted for privacy reasons].
My questions are:
Why didn't she respect how I felt and let me out of the relationship?
How do I get out of it now?
- [Name withheld]"
My reply:
Dear [name withheld],
If you truly want to get out, you don't need her permission. You also don't need to analyze the situation or have endless talks. Your wanting to leave doesn't mean she's unlovable, but it's not your job to convince her of that. If she can't understand why you want to leave, or she feels she has a right to keep you, that's her problem to deal with. That's not cruel -- that's just how a normal, healthy adult would respond to the situation.
When she asks for all the reasons, you can just say, "I'm sorry, it's just not what I want anymore. It's just how I feel -- it's not a list of reasons that I can express to you." You don't need her to respect your feelings; you just need to physically move on. You DON'T need her to "let" you leave.
If she doesn't respect or agree with the decision, that's fine, but it can't stop you. The steps you need to take are obvious (moving out, stop giving her your time, etc.). Moving on isn't difficult...[Details omitted. Specifics can be found in my breakup guide for men at LeavingHer.com, or my break up guide for women at LeavingHim.com].
I recently read a book by a very rich man -- the founder of Maxim magazine. He said he'd trade all of his riches in a heartbeat just to be a bit younger and have more time. Time is the most important thing we have. Don't waste any more of your time or hers. Good luck!
Your friend,
Michael
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