"Get Your Ex Back" Products: Do They Actually Work?

The internet is littered with eBooks and programs on how to get your ex back. I'm constantly seeing ads shouting:

"Get Your Ex Beg You to Come Back, Guaranteed!" "10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Crawling Back!" "Top-Secret Tricks to Win Back Your Girlfriend or Wife!" Are these products legitimate?

They are generally a collection of sometimes common-sense strategies to bring back your ex. Most ideas revolve around:

• Showing off a new confidence, look, and/or personality
• Making the ex jealous by dating/flirting/etc.
• Re-framing the break-up as mutual ("Let's both take a break")
• Showing the ex that you're moving on -- basically, using "reverse psychology."
• ...and a multitude of other strategies and gimmicks.

Do they work?

The better products (I don't endorse any particular one) may give you insight into your past behavior, show you what you may have done to push your ex away, and help you become a more balanced person. They may help you get rid of unattractive qualities (such as neediness), and encourage you to make yourself more attractive. In other words, they may indeed work, helping you get your ex to desire a relationship with you again.

On the other hand, as always, the buyer has to beware. It's a common practice to market products (especially internet products) with phony or highly embellished testimonials. It's also common to "talk up" products well beyond what they're actually able to deliver.

Most "Get Your Ex Back" products are not willing to say what should be obvious: Many times, your partner won't take you back, no matter what you do.

Ask yourself: Have you ever broken up with someone who you absolutely wouldn't take back? Even if they were a great person? Sometimes, one partner just wants or need something else, and the relationship can't work. We all have free will, so take the promises of "Get Your Ex Back" products with a grain of salt.

Marketing to the Desperate

As internet marketers know, desperate customers make the best customers. I'm not saying don't buy these products: It's OK to feel needy and desperate sometimes, and it's OK to seek comfort in quirky internet products. If you have the money, they can help you find some of the perspective and self-esteem you may lost in the break-up (at least, the good ones can).

Just remember that some internet marketers will gladly take advantage of your desperation. Avoid anything that:

• Makes wild promises of "amazing secrets" that are "normally worth thousands of dollars"
• Guarantees that your ex will absolutely come back
• Charges an unreasonable amount of money
• Comes off as slimey, sleazy or manipulative

I believes that it's a seller's responsibility to behave responsibly when it comes to serving "desperate" customers. They should follow certain principles, including the following:

• Make it affordable for everyone who faces the situation -- making it excessively expensive and customers may hurt themselves financially because they feel desperate
• Provide a sample so customers know exactly what they're getting
• Avoid wild claims, manipulative text and false testimonials

I believe that all products marketed to people who are struggling -- including "Get Your Ex Back" products -- should follow these guideline. It's OK to let your broken heart get the best of you. Just don't let marketers take advantage of you during a difficult time in your life.

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don't Want

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But...if you're on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, "This isn't what I want!," you may want to reconsider.   Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner's family, or society ("We've been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to...").

A relationship is a choice to build something.  If you're on the verge of proposing -- or you're already engaged --  and you have a sense that it's not truly what you want...you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can't leave.

But if you're not married, you don't have those obligations.  You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

• "He'll go berserk if I leave."
• "I'm really close with his family."
• "She's already started planning the wedding."
• "I gave her my word (and a ring)."

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you're experiencing strong doubt.  If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you're having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don't waste BOTH your lives.

Break Up Letters to Boyfriends

How to Write a Break Up Letter to Your Boyfriend

If you're looking for break up letters to boyfriends, it's probably because you seek guidance for an impending break up. You'll find that here. In the future, I'll provide samples of break up letters to boyfriends (not real letters, but something you can model), but for now I want to give some guidelines.

Many people say that a break up letter is never appropriate, and that you should do it face-to-face.

I strongly disagree. Many times, doing it this way is best -- sometimes doing it face-to-face can be too scary (so you end up delaying) or even dangerous (if he has a history of abuse).

We even have a term for break up letters to boyfriends: "A Dear John letter." Of course, in these days, it's not always break up letters; just as often, it's a break up email (though hopefully you're not sending a break up text to your boyfriend!)

Following these break up letter steps and you'll be fine:

Step 1: Why I'm writing

After your "Dear [Boyfriend]," explain the reasons why you couldn't speak face-to-face. Maybe you're scared, maybe he acts violent, or maybe you just feel too guilty to face him. Tell him that you know he would want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.

Step 2: Why we're breaking up

Tell your boyfriend that you've decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-boyfriend's faults.

If there isn't a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his positive qualities, the relationship isn't working for you. Express that you've enjoyed your time together, but now you know it's time for you to move on. Let him know that you'll have fond memories (if it's true).

Step 3: "Get help"

If the relationship was troubled by your his unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that he get help. Repeat that you know that it's time for you to move on, and that -- even if he changes for the better -- your decision remains.

Step 4: Possibly friends?

Although I don't recommend that you bring up friendship, if you want to stay open to the possibility of friendship, you can say so. This generally isn't a good idea, but sometimes it's OK, especially in cases where you were friends first. You can let your boyfriend know know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of friendship down the line.

Step 5: My decision is final

If you don't want to retain any possibility of getting together again, tell him that you are certain in your decision to split, and ask him to respect that. If you don't wish to hear from him again, let him know that calls, visits, and correspondence are not welcome. Remind them that you don't wish to spend any more time discussing what went wrong, and that you're getting on with your life.

Step 6: Apologize

If you did anything to harm your ex-boyfirned -- especially if you cheated or lied to him - apologize in the most heartfelt way possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage says, "All relationships fail until one doesn't," so don't blame yourself simply because your relationship didn't "succeed."

Step 7: "All the best..."

End your break up letter to your boyfriend with your best wishes. Remind him that now it's time to heal, and that you will not be seeking or receiving contact with him. Though it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with "Love, [Your name]."

Remember: Concentrate on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, not analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love him, even if it's true. Mentioning your love for him will only confuse him and give false hope, so avoid it.

Break ups are hard to do, and even writing a break up letter to your boyfriend can be an exhausting experience. Take some time for yourself, and then get on with your life!

Finally, if you're looking for more guidance on how to properly end a relationship, check out the

break up manual for women.

Break Up with Your Girlfriend Flow Chart

Here's a tongue-in-cheek flowchart. It may not be serious (no text break-ups, please), though it's not half bad.

My "Guilt" article on Lovesagame.com

Check out my article on guilt over at Eddie Corbano's blog, LovesAGame.  It explores the predicament of feeling too guilty too leave a relationship.

Eddie's a great guy, and his blog helps a lot of folks on all sides of break up and relationship issues.

How to Break-Up When Your Partner Won't Let You

I recently received an email from a client that went like this:

"Dear Michael,

I tried to break up with my girl today, but it was unsuccessful.  I think of her as being clingy, overbearing, domineering, and over emotional.  I don't feel comfortable in expressing myself to her, and I'm always holding my breath in fear that I'll do or say something that will result in an emotional outburst.  I just don't feel comfortable with her. 

Anyway, I tried to break up with her.  I tried to keep it simple and didn't blame her for anything.  Then she wanted to know all the reasons why I wanted to break it off.  I didn't want to tell her because now she wants to work out the problems and move on.  The thing is I don't want to proceed with the relationship, and if I continue I'll be in a marriage that I don't want to be in.  All the reasons I gave weren't respected.  Almost of if she's saying, "Let's hurry up and get through this so we can move on [with our relationship]."  These are deep concerns I have and there not to be solved in a twenty minutes. 

[The letter goes on in detail -- omitted for privacy reasons].

My questions are:

Why didn't she respect how I felt and let me out of the relationship?  

How do I get out of it now?

- [Name withheld]"

My reply:

Dear [name withheld],

If you truly want to get out, you don't need her permission.  You also don't need to analyze the situation or have endless talks.  Your wanting to leave doesn't mean she's unlovable, but it's not your job to convince her of that.  If she can't understand why you want to leave, or she feels she has a right to keep you, that's her problem to deal with.  That's not cruel -- that's just how a normal, healthy adult would respond to the situation.

When she asks for all the reasons, you can just say, "I'm sorry, it's just not what I want anymore.  It's just how I feel -- it's not a list of reasons that I can express to you."  You don't need her to respect your feelings; you just need to physically move on.  You DON'T need her to "let" you leave.

If she doesn't respect or agree with the decision, that's fine, but it can't stop you.  The steps you need to take are obvious (moving out, stop giving her your time, etc.).  Moving on isn't difficult...[Details omitted. Specifics can be found in my breakup guide for men at LeavingHer.com, or my break up guide for women at LeavingHim.com].  

I recently read a book by a very rich man -- the founder of Maxim magazine.  He said he'd trade all of his riches in a heartbeat just to be a bit younger and have more time. Time is the most important thing we have.  Don't waste any more of your time or hers.  Good luck!

Your friend,

Michael

How to Break Up: General Guidelines

Don't delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time.  With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need.  The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being "dumped."  Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve.  Don't break-up by email or text!

Don't Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults.  Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don't flip/flop

It's difficult to hurt someone's feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it's a good idea to try again. Don't do this – you'll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it'll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship.  It's a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties.  If possible, don't mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road.  No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

Go here for the break up guides that will help you get your life back:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.