Relationship Break Ups

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When to Break Up With Your Boyfriend

You've been with the same guy for over a year now. You're in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you'd found Mr. Right, but lately you're starting to wonder. How can you tell when you've let a relationship go on too long?

1. You're at different points in life.
You're high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it's time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don't give up that dream job or that year in South America you've been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn't compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.

2. You want different things out of life.
Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It's all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn't always an option. If you're starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.

3. He doesn't do the things he used to do.
Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what's keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it's game over, don't let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don't really want.

4. You don't do the things you used to do.
On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren't responding to your man like you used to, it's possible you may be over him without even knowing it.

5. You have thoughts of being with other men.
It's one thing to look; it's another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.

If you need help ending a relationship, go here for your break up guide: www.LeavingHim.com

Why We Get Stuck in Unhappy Relationships: 6 Common Reasons

Often times, there's a significant gap between the time we realize a relationship isn't working and the time we pull the plug. Most of us make the mistake of staying too long. Here are some common reasons why people get stuck in unhappy relationships:

1) We do it for "his/her sake"

A common reason for delaying a break up is to prevent our partner from feeling pain. We may feel that the decision to spare our partner's feelings is a noble choice, but in fact it's usually more damaging in the long-run. Your partner has the right to an authentic relationship with someone who wants to be with him or her. By drawing things out and wasting your partner's time, you're doing a disservice to both you and your partner.

Don't use the "I don't want to hurt him/her" excuse to avoid this important decision.

2) We forget we have a choice.

You've become a pair. You more commonly use the term "we" than "I." It takes you a while to realize that relationships aren't written in stone. Relationships should broaden your horizons and add to life's joys. When you find that your relationship has closed you off and made happiness impossible, it's time to remember that you chose this, and now you can choose again.

3) We're so invested

It's the same mentality as the businessman who keeps throwing money at a failing business: You can't stop now, after all that you've invested. This is a common but irrational mentality: The fact that you've spent a lot of time together does not mean that you can't leave in the future.

4) People expect us to stay together

Your friends know you as a happy couple. Perhaps you're even engaged, and families and friends expect a wedding. Maybe you fear you'll be judged by your community or religious organization if you don't keep trying.

Staying on account of other people's expectations is a prescription for continued unhappiness. Be true to yourself first.

5) Obsession with "fixing" the relationship

I've seen sources of relationship advice that maintain that under almost no circumstances should a couple "give up" on making it work. That's nonsense. Sometimes the dynamic between a couple can give rise to a perpetually unhappy -- or even unhealthy -- relationship.

Yes, there are countless resources that will give you advice on how to save a relationship. However, you first have to determine that the relationship has enough value in the first place. Don't go on a mission to save a relationship you don't truly desire.

6) Fear of the break up

If you're with an emotionally volatile, verbally abusive, or physically abusive person, you may be so conditioned to keep the peace that you refuse to even think of breaking up. You know you won't be able to take their reaction, and you may even fear that they'll resort to violence or self-harm (suicide threats, etc.). If this is the case, it's no wonder you're feeling stuck.

The good news is that once you bring these reasons to light, you'll realize that your excuses no longer have merit. If you decide you want to break up but still don't know how you're going to do it (or get through it), I suggest you either seek professional counseling, or get my books:

How to Break Up (for women)
How to Break Up (for men)

Why is Breaking Up So Hard? It Shouldn't Be!

If you're dating a sane, reasonable person, the break-up may be difficult, but it won't feel scary or even impossible. After all, as long as you're sensitive, honest, and kind, your partner should be OK.
However, if you're having problems breaking up, there may be something more going on. Why is the thought of breaking up so intimidating?

Is your partner verbally or physically abusive?
Do you feel too much guilt?
Will your partner be completely devastated if you leave?
Are you scared that you won't be OK on your own?

Regardless of the answer to the above, if you're not happy and you want to leave, you must break up. If you don't, you're just wasting both your partner's time and your own time.

Here's what you need to know: You have permission to go. A relationship is always a choice. I've said it before: You can break up with anyone at anytime and for any reason. It doesn't matter if you've been together 10 days or 10 years: There is always the possiblility that one partner wants something else out of life or a partner.

Remember: Heartbreak is part of life, and we all agree to the possibility of heartbreak when we get involved with someone. There are no guarantees in love. You're not being cruel to your partner by leaving him or her. The truth is, your partner should not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him or her.

"Get Your Ex Back" Products: Do They Actually Work?

The internet is littered with eBooks and programs on how to get your ex back. I'm constantly seeing ads shouting:

"Get Your Ex Beg You to Come Back, Guaranteed!" "10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Crawling Back!" "Top-Secret Tricks to Win Back Your Girlfriend or Wife!" Are these products legitimate?

They are generally a collection of sometimes common-sense strategies to bring back your ex. Most ideas revolve around:

Showing off a new confidence, look, and/or personality
Making the ex jealous by dating/flirting/etc.
Re-framing the break-up as mutual ("Let's both take a break")
Showing the ex that you're moving on -- basically, using "reverse psychology."
...and a multitude of other strategies and gimmicks.

Do they work?

The better products (I don't endorse any particular one) may give you insight into your past behavior, show you what you may have done to push your ex away, and help you become a more balanced person. They may help you get rid of unattractive qualities (such as neediness), and encourage you to make yourself more attractive. In other words, they may indeed work, helping you get your ex to desire a relationship with you again.

On the other hand, as always, the buyer has to beware. It's a common practice to market products (especially internet products) with phony or highly embellished testimonials. It's also common to "talk up" products well beyond what they're actually able to deliver.

Most "Get Your Ex Back" products are not willing to say what should be obvious: Many times, your partner won't take you back, no matter what you do.

Ask yourself: Have you ever broken up with someone who you absolutely wouldn't take back? Even if they were a great person? Sometimes, one partner just wants or need something else, and the relationship can't work. We all have free will, so take the promises of "Get Your Ex Back" products with a grain of salt.

Marketing to the Desperate

As internet marketers know, desperate customers make the best customers. I'm not saying don't buy these products: It's OK to feel needy and desperate sometimes, and it's OK to seek comfort in quirky internet products. If you have the money, they can help you find some of the perspective and self-esteem you may lost in the break-up (at least, the good ones can).

Just remember that some internet marketers will gladly take advantage of your desperation. Avoid anything that:

Makes wild promises of "amazing secrets" that are "normally worth thousands of dollars"
Guarantees that your ex will absolutely come back
Charges an unreasonable amount of money
Comes off as slimey, sleazy or manipulative

I believes that it's a seller's responsibility to behave responsibly when it comes to serving "desperate" customers. They should follow certain principles, including the following:

Make it affordable for everyone who faces the situation -- making it excessively expensive and customers may hurt themselves financially because they feel desperate
Provide a sample so customers know exactly what they're getting
Avoid wild claims, manipulative text and false testimonials

I believe that all products marketed to people who are struggling -- including "Get Your Ex Back" products -- should follow these guideline. It's OK to let your broken heart get the best of you. Just don't let marketers take advantage of you during a difficult time in your life.

Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don't Want

A marriage can be a beautiful thing.

But...if you're on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, "This isn't what I want!," you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner's family, or society ("We've been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to...").

A relationship is a choice to build something. If you're on the verge of proposing -- or you're already engaged -- and you have a sense that it's not truly what you want...you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.

By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can't leave.

But if you're not married, you don't have those obligations. You still have a choice.

Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:

"He'll go berserk if I leave."
"I'm really close with his family."
"She's already started planning the wedding."
"I gave her my word (and a ring)."

Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you're experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.

The bottom line is this: If you're having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:

1) A lifetime of disappointment

2) A difficult divorce

You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don't waste BOTH your lives.

Break Up Letters to Boyfriends

How to Write a Break Up Letter to Your Boyfriend

If you're looking for break up letters to boyfriends, it's probably because you seek guidance for an impending break up. You'll find that here. In the future, I'll provide samples of break up letters to boyfriends (not real letters, but something you can model), but for now I want to give some guidelines.

Many people say that a break up letter is never appropriate, and that you should do it face-to-face.

I strongly disagree. Many times, doing it this way is best -- sometimes doing it face-to-face can be too scary (so you end up delaying) or even dangerous (if he has a history of abuse).

We even have a term for break up letters to boyfriends: "A Dear John letter." Of course, in these days, it's not always break up letters; just as often, it's a break up email (though hopefully you're not sending a break up text to your boyfriend!)

Following these break up letter steps and you'll be fine:

Step 1: Why I'm writing

After your "Dear [Boyfriend]," explain the reasons why you couldn't speak face-to-face. Maybe you're scared, maybe he acts violent, or maybe you just feel too guilty to face him. Tell him that you know he would want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.

Step 2: Why we're breaking up

Tell your boyfriend that you've decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-boyfriend's faults.

If there isn't a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his positive qualities, the relationship isn't working for you. Express that you've enjoyed your time together, but now you know it's time for you to move on. Let him know that you'll have fond memories (if it's true).

Step 3: "Get help"

If the relationship was troubled by your his unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that he get help. Repeat that you know that it's time for you to move on, and that -- even if he changes for the better -- your decision remains.

Step 4: Possibly friends?

Although I don't recommend that you bring up friendship, if you want to stay open to the possibility of friendship, you can say so. This generally isn't a good idea, but sometimes it's OK, especially in cases where you were friends first. You can let your boyfriend know know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of friendship down the line.

Step 5: My decision is final

If you don't want to retain any possibility of getting together again, tell him that you are certain in your decision to split, and ask him to respect that. If you don't wish to hear from him again, let him know that calls, visits, and correspondence are not welcome. Remind them that you don't wish to spend any more time discussing what went wrong, and that you're getting on with your life.

Step 6: Apologize

If you did anything to harm your ex-boyfirned -- especially if you cheated or lied to him - apologize in the most heartfelt way possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage says, "All relationships fail until one doesn't," so don't blame yourself simply because your relationship didn't "succeed."

Step 7: "All the best..."

End your break up letter to your boyfriend with your best wishes. Remind him that now it's time to heal, and that you will not be seeking or receiving contact with him. Though it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with "Love, [Your name]."

Remember: Concentrate on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, not analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love him, even if it's true. Mentioning your love for him will only confuse him and give false hope, so avoid it.

Break ups are hard to do, and even writing a break up letter to your boyfriend can be an exhausting experience. Take some time for yourself, and then get on with your life!

Finally, if you're looking for more guidance on how to properly end a relationship, check out the

break up manual for women.

Break Up with Your Girlfriend Flow Chart

Here's a tongue-in-cheek flowchart. It may not be serious (no text break-ups, please), though it's not half bad.

My "Guilt" article on Lovesagame.com

Check out my article on guilt over at Eddie Corbano's blog, LovesAGame. It explores the predicament of feeling too guilty too leave a relationship.

Eddie's a great guy, and his blog helps a lot of folks on all sides of break up and relationship issues.

How to Break-Up When Your Partner Won't Let You

I recently received an email from a client that went like this:

"Dear Michael,

I tried to break up with my girl today, but it was unsuccessful. I think of her as being clingy, overbearing, domineering, and over emotional. I don't feel comfortable in expressing myself to her, and I'm always holding my breath in fear that I'll do or say something that will result in an emotional outburst. I just don't feel comfortable with her.

Anyway, I tried to break up with her. I tried to keep it simple and didn't blame her for anything. Then she wanted to know all the reasons why I wanted to break it off. I didn't want to tell her because now she wants to work out the problems and move on. The thing is I don't want to proceed with the relationship, and if I continue I'll be in a marriage that I don't want to be in. All the reasons I gave weren't respected. Almost of if she's saying, "Let's hurry up and get through this so we can move on [with our relationship]." These are deep concerns I have and there not to be solved in a twenty minutes.

[The letter goes on in detail -- omitted for privacy reasons].

My questions are:

Why didn't she respect how I felt and let me out of the relationship?

How do I get out of it now?

- [Name withheld]"

My reply:

Dear [name withheld],

If you truly want to get out, you don't need her permission. You also don't need to analyze the situation or have endless talks. Your wanting to leave doesn't mean she's unlovable, but it's not your job to convince her of that. If she can't understand why you want to leave, or she feels she has a right to keep you, that's her problem to deal with. That's not cruel -- that's just how a normal, healthy adult would respond to the situation.

When she asks for all the reasons, you can just say, "I'm sorry, it's just not what I want anymore. It's just how I feel -- it's not a list of reasons that I can express to you." You don't need her to respect your feelings; you just need to physically move on. You DON'T need her to "let" you leave.

If she doesn't respect or agree with the decision, that's fine, but it can't stop you. The steps you need to take are obvious (moving out, stop giving her your time, etc.). Moving on isn't difficult...[Details omitted. Specifics can be found in my breakup guide for men at LeavingHer.com, or my break up guide for women at LeavingHim.com].

I recently read a book by a very rich man -- the founder of Maxim magazine. He said he'd trade all of his riches in a heartbeat just to be a bit younger and have more time. Time is the most important thing we have. Don't waste any more of your time or hers. Good luck!

Your friend,

Michael

How to Break Up: General Guidelines

Don't delay

Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

Do it in person, if possible.

Breakups can be traumatic for both parties, but especially for the person being "dumped." Do everything you can to show them the respect and consideration they deserve. Don't break-up by email or text!

Don't Criticize

Be honest, but leave you personal criticizm. Talk about the circumstances, and not about personal faults. Avoid blaming.

That said, you can gently criticize if you think it will help them in the future, though be sensitive and cautious – your words may stick in his/her mind for years to come.

Don't flip/flop

It's difficult to hurt someone's feelings, and in the moment it may seem like it's a good idea to try again. Don't do this – you'll be faced with the same problems in the future, and it'll only be more difficult to break up at that time.

No contact

Everyone violates this rule. They insist on trying to forge a friendship out of a recently broken up relationship. It's a bad idea, and it only makes it harder for both parties. If possible, don't mention friendship, or speak of it in terms of way down the road. No contact: A simple rule, so follow it!

Go here for the break up guides that will help you get your life back:

How to break up for men, and how to break up for women.

Need to Breakup with a Controlling, Needy, Jealous Boyfriend?

Do you have a sense that your partner restricts your lifestyle with excessive neediness, jealousy, controlling behavior, or by being too demanding. A relationship is a place to build something -- both partners should help the other expand their horizons. Compromises need to be made, but neither partner should have the sense that they are constrained by neediness, jealousy, etc. If your relationship has more in common with a hostage situation than a healthy relationship, you may need relationship help fast.

Your relationship may be unhealthy if your partner:

Demands to be by your side as often as possible
Expects you to call him multiple times a day
Needs to know where you're going at all times
Shows jealousy over your normal interactions with other men
Frowns on your having female friends
Discourages you from spending time with male friends
Has you walking on eggshells for fear of "slipping up"
Demands to analyze everything about your relationship
Pressures you to make commitments for which you're not ready, such as marriage

You may be accustomed to her behaving like this, and you might accept that it's just the way he is. It's your choice if you wish to maintain a relationship with someone who acts like this, but it's important to be aware of these behaviors -- they are signs of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner is controlling or unstable, the other partner often experiences negative physical and mental effects from the stress. A lifetime of tolerating this behavior is a miserable existence.

What if you have no desire to maintain this relationship? Are you putting off the inevitable? Do you have the sense that eventually you will leave your partner, though now is just not the right time. With a birthday coming up, a parent who is ill, or an important interview on the horizon, you just can't leave her now in her time of need. The truth is, there is never a good time to leave, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you both can get on with your lives.

If you see your relationship described here, this describes you, take action. Go to my site on leaving unhappy relationships.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men and women leave unhappy, unhealthy relationships. See http://www.leavinghim.com/ (for women), or http://www.leavingher.com/ (for men).

How to Breakup With Your Clingy Girlfriend and Get Your Life Back

Relationships should be a place for growth and comfort for both partners. If you feel like you no longer desire to be in a relationship, but feel stuck because of your clingy partner, you need to resolve to leave. No matter if your relationship is 2 months or 10 years, sometimes it dawns on you: "This is no longer working for me." Maybe you've realized that the relationship is unhealthy, or maybe you just feel like moving on.

Regardless, you should never feel like you're stuck in a relationship, staying simply for your partner's benefit. This isn't only unfair to you; it's unfair to your partner, who needs to find someone who truly wants to be with her.

Obviously, it's your obligation to let your partner know how you feel, so that you can both move on. However, sometimes it's not so simple. If you're partner is needy, clingy, and has a co-dependent relationship style, leaving can feel close to impossible. This is compounded in the case where the man is conflict-avoidant.

Unfortunately, the combination of needy girl and conflict-avoidant guy is a common one. This is why so many guys are stuck in unhappy relationships. Don't let that guy be you!

Instead of allowing the relationship to go on forever, you need to set a course to break up. Although it may seem difficult, you can do it if you just follow a few simple steps.

Take some time for yourself to gain clarity on the matter. You have to decide with certainty that you're ready to leave. Even if you're already sure, it's important that you take some time for yourself just prior to the break-up. This will help you gain confidence in your decision, AND it will get you out from under her influence so. At this time, you can summon up some of the power it's going to take to follow through.

Understand that you will NEED to go through with this. You may have existed in a relationship for years where you did everything to please her, and despite all that, she may hate you from now on. You simply have to accept that if you're going to go through with this.

When you come back from your time away, tell her that you've made up your mind that you need to leave this relationship. If you think that she will go berserk, you may need to do this over the phone or in writing (a letter or email). YES, that's right: A letter or email may be the most appropriate way to do this. Despite what every other break up article says, sometimes it feels impossible to break up in-person, and it's better to do it over the phone or through a letter than to wait several years while you build up the courage.

Let her know that you know for certain that it's time to move. Tell her that you don't regret your time together, but that you've felt this way for a little while, and you know that she'd want to do this as soon as possible. Be as compassionate as possible, but remember: Sometimes feelings cannot be expressed logically. Don't get hung-up on trying to answer all her questions -- sometimes the answer is simple, "Sorry, I don't know why I feel this way, but I do."

Take steps to separate ASAP. If she wants to persist in talking about it, you may have to tell her that you no longer wish to discuss the decision, otherwise you may be talking about it forever. Do not suggest that you two will be friends -- that rarely works out well, especially in these circumstances.

Once you've separated, take time to learn from your mistakes, read some material about healthy relationships, and savor your newly-found freedom!

If you still desire to leave your partner but are still feeling hopelessly stuck in an unhealthy relationship, go here, where you'll learn exactly how to get free.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.
Break Up Help for Women
Break Up Help for Men

For Men - 11 Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship - And How to Get Out

It's often obvious that a needy, demanding woman who clings to a man has codependent tendencies. However, a relationship consists of two people, and HE is no less responsible. In fact, his behavior can also be labeled "codependent." Two people who have codependent tendencies may act in opposite ways: While one is needy and drains her partner, the other may have a enlarged sense of responsibility to his partner, and is overly sensitive to her needs and demands.

In fact, people with opposing codependent styles tend to attract each other. These opposing psychological profiles have been termed "takers" and "caretakers."

Codependent relationships are complicated, and they're often characterized by manipulation, lack of boundaries, repressed emotions, emotional volatility, jealousy

issues, verbal abuse, etc. Both partners tend to have complicated back-stories, which often serve to justify abnormal behavior. If you're a man feeling stuck in a codependent relationship, realize that your happiness is worth the effort it takes to move on.

First, take a look at this list, which identify just some of the signs to look for:

* You feel that you're responsible for her, and it's your job to make her happy and solve her problems
* You suppress your emotions and avoid confrontation
* You have the sense of sacrificing the life you want so that you can be with her and take care of her
* You feel trapped at times, and have the sense that you are planning an eventual escape
* You feel tremendous guilt at the thought of abandoning her

* She is extremely jealous and makes it difficult for you to interact with other females or have female friends
* She has an intense fear of rejection and abandonment
* She lives her life in way that depends on you for many of her needs, as opposed to being independent and having a variety of fulfilling relationships
* She has expressed that she wouldn't be able to live her life if you betrayed or abandoned her
* She depends almost exclusively on you as her source of happiness and validation
* She dominates and manipulates you through her emotional response, which is often too extreme

These are just some of the signs that are easiest to spot from the man's point of you view. If you feel that you may be in a codependent relationship, or you feel as if you're trapped and there's no way out, most like. Being in a codependent relationship makes for a stressful and unhappy lifestyle. And yet, your avoidant tendencies may keep you from following through with a break up or separation.

You may be planning to break up for a long time, but you just keep holding off -- many men wait years, or even a lifetime, remaining in such a relationship. It's important that you don't dwell on planning, and you take certain actions, fast. If you feel ready to begin the separation process, DO NOT hesitate: The longer you wait, and the more time you both invest, the more difficult it becomes.

You may want to consider getting the help of a counselor. Be sure that the counselor doesn't assume that you want to maintain the relationship if you're choosing to move on; many counselors operate from the assumption that the relationship should be "fixed."

Finally, many men are in dire need of a map that:

1) Identifies what is dysfunctional in your relationship

2) Affirms your right to leave an unhappy relationship

3) Guides you through the break up in a way that minimizes pain and hardship for you both

If you need break up help, visit my site below and find A Way Out.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.
Break Up Help for Women
Break Up Help for Men

Girlfriend Too Clingy, Needy, Jealous, Controlling Or Demanding? Seek Help!

If your friend is in an unhealthy, isolated, or abusive relationship, what should you do? Can you save your friend from an demanding, controlling boyfriend or husband? How about an overly needy or manipulative girlfriend or wife?

Of course, your actions depend on the context: Is your friend's partner truly dangerous, or is he/she just merely annoying? Many truly unhealthy relationships have some of the same attributes. Does your friend's partner:

* resort to verbal, physical or emotional abuse?
* act manipulative, dictating your friend's behavior?
* have clingy or controlling tendencies, rarely letting your friend pursue independent activities or maintain friendships?
* act extremely jealous, keeping your friend from interacting with members of the opposite sex (or same sex for gay couples)?
* bring your friend down emotionally?
* abuse drugs or alcohol, or have other destructive habits that negatively affect the relationship?
* borrow money and refuse to work, negatively impacting your friend's lifestyle?

Many of these traits are characteristics of an unhealthy -- or codependent -- relationship. Codependent means that at least one partner has an unhealthy dependence on the other. This could, for example, refer to one partner clinging on to the other, or one partner feeling the need to take care of another who doesn't contribute.

It's difficult to watch friends stay involved with someone who isn't good for them. At the same time, criticism of a friend's partner can be an explosive topic, and sensitivity is required. You have several options when you're faced with such a dilemma.

Options:

1) Say nothing - This is usually the wrong choice. If the relationship is necessarily brief (for example, you are on vacation with your friend, and he meets a local girl), then it might be best to say nothing. Otherwise, it's a friend's obligation to at least attempt to keep them from harm.

2) Threaten to take away your friendship -- Depending on the situation, you might have to put your friendship on the line, telling your friend that you just can't stand by and condone what's going on.

3) State your opinion, but continue to be friends -- This is often the best case, but only if your friend can separate your friendship from his/her relationship. If you often hang out with the two as a couple, you are implicitly giving your approval of the relationship.

4) Get a third party involved -- If you feel that your friend is in possible danger, it's important that you get a third party involved, such as mutual friend, your friend's family, or in cases of physical abuse, even the police. The worst that can happen is you realize that you overreacted; on the other hand, you could potentially save his or her life.

In most cases, Option 3 is the best choice. You should express your opinion if you think your friend's boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband is harmful for them. After all, that's what friends are for. Even if you have to put your friendship on the line, you can let them know that you will be there for them when they come to their senses.

In the end, you can't rescue a friend from a bad relationship -- they have to want to leave. You can let them know how you feel, be there for them when possible, and provide any resources they might find helpful.

If you have a male friend stuck in an unhealthy relationship, you may want to send him my ebook, A Way Out: A Men's Guide to Leaving Unhealthy Relationships. I help them determine if they're stuck in an unhealthy relationship, and give them a map to help them leave as quickly and compassionately as possible.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.
Break Up Help for Women
Break Up Help for Men

Can You Save a Friend That is Stuck in a Bad Relationship?

For most relationships, breaking up in person is the most appropriate and respectful way to breakup. If it has been a long-term relationship and you're able to express yourself freely with your partner, you should show them the courtesy and respect of breaking up face-to-face.

However, sometimes circumstances dictate that a breakup be done in writing. For example, a break up letter might be appropriate if:

* Your partner tends to behave violently or engage in physical or verbal abusive
* Your partner did something to violate you or betray your trust (such as cheating), and you no longer wish to interact with them again
* You've tried to break up in the past, and your partner refuses to listen or let you speak freely
* Your partner refuses to meet you or take your calls
* It's a long-distance relationship, and you're not able to see them or call

Things to consider...

If you're thinking of writing a break up letter because you lack the courage to face them, try to summon the willpower to do it in-person. As long as the situation isn't threatening, it's the best way to go. Though it's difficult to deliver bad news and make someone get upset or cry, it can seem disrespectful and avoidant to write them instead.

However, if you've been avoiding breaking up because you dread the face-to-face encounter, stop delaying and write them! it's better to break it off ASAP -- even if that means through a letter or email -- so you both can get on with your lives. Some people spend months or even years avoiding a break up out of fear; do it in writing if that's the only way you can!

Also, if you have trouble expressing yourself in-person, you might want to write a breakup letter and then give it to your partner while you're with him or her - there's nothing wrong with that.

I should note that while email tends to feel less personal, sometimes it's the best option if timing or distance is an issue.

How to write a "Dear John" or "Dear Jane" letter:

Step 1: Why I'm writing

After your "Dear [Partner]," explain that you regret that you couldn't speak face-to-face, but circumstances made this necessary. You might want to let them know why you couldn't face them. For instance, if you are afraid of a violent reaction, feel too guilty, or simply never want to see them again, just say so. Tell them that you know they'd want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.

Step 2: Why I'm moving on

Tell them that you've decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-partner's faults.

If there isn't a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his or her positive qualities, but the relationship isn't working for you. Express that you've enjoyed your time together, but now you know it's time for you to move on. Let them know that you'll have fond memories (if it's true).

Step 3: "Get help"

If the relationship was troubled by your ex-partner's unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that they get help, and wish for them to recover. Repeat that you know that it's time for you to move on, and that -- even if he or she changes for the better -- your decision remains.

Step 4: Possibly friends?

Although I don't recommend that you bring up friendship, if you want to stay open to the possibility of friendship, you can say so. This generally isn't a good idea, but sometimes it's OK, especially in cases where you were friends first. You can let them know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of friendship down the line.

Step 5: Your decision is final

If you don't want to retain any possibility of getting together again, tell them that you are certain in your decision to split, and ask them to respect that. If you don't wish to hear from them again, let them know that calls, visits, and correspondence are not welcome. Remind them that you don't wish to spend any more time discussing what went wrong, and that you're getting on with your life.

Step 6: Apologize

If you did anything to harm your ex-partner -- especially if you cheated or lied to him or her - apologize in the most heartfelt way possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage says, "All relationships fail until one doesn't," so don't blame yourself simply because your relationship didn't "succeed."

Step 7: "All the best..."

Wish your partner the best. If you like, you can let them know that contact you at a certain email address sometime in the future, but remind them that now it's time to heal. Though it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with "Love, [Your name]."

Remember: Concentrate on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, not analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love them, even if it's true. Mentioning your love for them will only confuse them and give them hope, so avoid it.

Finally, if you're a man in an unhealthy relationship and you're having difficulty leaving, or you know such a man, check out my break up manual for men who feel stuck. For female readers, if you know a man who is stuck with a clingy, excessively jealous, or unstable woman, check out my site and see if the eBook is right for him.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.
Break Up Help for Women
Break Up Help for Men

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_S._Freeman

How to Write a Break Up Letter in 7 Steps

People can be indecisive about whether to stay in a relationship or break up. If you're in a relationship and feel like you're in a perpetual state of indecision - always with "one foot out the door" but never quite ready to leave - you need to determine if you should stay or go.

Your relationship is solid if you can answer "yes" to the following questions:

* Do you still have romantic feelings for your partner, and still find him or her attractive?
* Are there feelings of mutual respect and admiration?
* Do you feel that you can trust each other. If your partner has betrayed your trust, will you be able trust him or her again in the future?
* Are you satisfied with your relationship at least 60% of the time?
* Does your partner have similar values to you?
* Is your relationship free of abuse, either physical, verbal, or emotional?
* Does your partner challenge you to be a better person, but accept and love for who you are?

If your answers are yes, try to determine what it is that's holding you back from feeling committed to the relationship. Do you feel that your lifestyle is compromised by staying in your relationship? If so, in what way? All relationships require sacrifices - are you willing to make the sacrifices required to stay with your partner?

High divorce rates seem to indicate that not everyone is cut-out for a long-term, monogamous relationship. If you feel that you're trying to mold yourself into someone you're not by staying in this relationship, you may need to break up and reclaim your freedom. At the same time, it's easy to take all of the comforts of a relationship for granted, and only see the negative. If your partner is a source of great comfort, companionship and love, reflect on how much value that adds to your life.

I once met an elderly woman who turned her back on her college sweetheart to live independently, and she regretted it: A similar love never found her again. Everyone feels pains of unease sometimes in relationships, especially when they meet an attractive stranger and suddenly have the strong desire to be single. Just remember: That stranger probably wouldn't understand you like your partner does, or provide the same level of comfort and companionship.

That said, if you have the feeling that you're staying in the relationship only for your partner's sake, I highly recommend you break up. You're not doing your partner a favor by staying - he or she deserves someone who wants to be with them. You should not stay with someone simply because you feel too guilty to leave, or because your partner "needs you." A relationship is a choice for both people involved - you're never truly trapped in a relationship.

However, some people do feel trapped. For men feeling stuck in unhealthy or unwanted relationships, see my manual on how to leave. Because so many women need help too, I hope to have a version aimed specifically at females in the future.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps women and men get FREEDOM from unhappy relationships.
Break Up Help for Women
Break Up Help for Men

Should You Break Up? 7 Questions to Determine Whether to Stay Or Leave a Relationship

Emotional Abuse - 7 Signs That You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be harder to identify, because emotionally abusive tendencies can slowly creep into a relationship in the form of unhealthy patterns. Emotionally abusive partners seek to manipulate you. They often don't want to hurt you, but they're controlling nature makes them act out in a way that is mentally and emotionally harmful. Here are some signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship:

* You feel that you can't express yourself freely with your partner, or you have to "walk on eggshells."
* Your partner frequently express jealousy, and keeps you from engaging in normal interactions with the opposite sex
* Your partner frequently criticizes you, humiliates you, or undermines your self-esteem
* Your partner keeps you from your friends, family and support groups outside of the relationship
* You caught your partner monitoring your email or internet usage
* Your partner alludes to the possibility of harming you or your loved ones if you "betrayed" or left him or her
* Your partner implies that if you were to leave, he or she may commit suicide or engage in other self-harm

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but simply point to some of the trends of an emotionally abusive relationship. Regarding the last bullet point -- threats of suicide -- it is an especially manipulative tactic. If your partner holds their potential suicide over their head, they are essentially trying to take you hostage. You need to bring in a third party if they resort to this or any other form of violence.

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to get help or get out, and you need to do it fast. Even if it never escalates to physical abuse, emotionally abusive relationships can be damaging, possibly leading to stress, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

Just like other forms of abuse, it's common for both women and men to be victims of emotional abuse.

If you are a man feeling stuck in a relationship that may be emotionally abusive partner, I wrote a manual with one goal in mind: to finally leave her It can be very difficult to leave a relationship when you feel responsible for your partner and fear for her well-being -- I cover how to do so as quickly and compassionately as possible.

Codependent Relationship Stressing You Out? Do Something About It!

Codependent relationships are usually characterized by two roles: A needy person who depends on her partner too much, and a person who acts the care-taker, always comforting his partner at his own expense. In relationships, a common pattern is a clingy woman paired with a man who never asserts himself (though the roles can be reversed).

Codependent simply means that you depend too much on your partner emotionally. For her, this may mean that she relies on you for all her emotional needs, and "can't live without you." For him, it may mean he feels too responsible for her, always catering to her demands, and never asserting himself for fear of hurting her.

Are you a man feeling stuck in a codependent relationship? Maybe you wish she wasn't so clingy -- or maybe you want to leave the relationship entirely -- but you "don't want to hurt her," as so many guys say about their clingy girlfriends.

If you find yourself in this situation, it's because you didn't assert yourself whenever she showed herself to be overly needy or demanding. In fact, you may have inadvertently encouraged her to behave like this. Now you may feel stuck in patters that don't allow for the things you desperately need:

    * Some degree of independence
    * Space to yourself
    * Time to pursue friendships and hobbies outside the relationship

Have you ever felt that you are making major life choices based on her insecurities? Maybe she discourages you from taking a position that requires travel, or maybe she's pressuring you to get engaged before you're ready...

If you find yourself in this situation, you have to either:

a) Negotiate new terms for the relationship -- terms that you find acceptable and don't cause you persistent stress

or...

b) Plan to leave the relationship

Otherwise, the constant stress of remaining in a codependent relationship will take a toll on your mental and physical well-being, and you will live a life of regret.

If you feel trapped in an unhealthy or unsatisfying relationship, see my site on how to breakup and get on with your life.

Michael Freeman, M.A., helps men get UNSTUCK from unhealthy relationships. Go here to learn more: http://www.how-to-finally-leave-her.com