When to Break Up With Your Boyfriend
You've been with the same guy for over a year now. You're in it for the win: marriage with children, the whole shebang. You thought you'd found Mr. Right, but lately you're starting to wonder. How can you tell when you've let a relationship go on too long?
1. You're at different points in life.
You're high school sweethearts, together since freshman year, but now it's time for you to go off to college, and your boyfriend is staying local. Or maybe your man is ready for commitment, but you still need time to settle down. Remember always to put yourself first. Don't give up that dream job or that year in South America you've been planning your whole life. If your relationship isn't compatible with your own personal goals, then you and your guy may need to go separate ways.
2. You want different things out of life.
Some say relationships are all about compromise; but everyone knows that compromise is often a euphemism for nobody getting what he or she really wants. It's all right to compromise on the color of your bed sheets or on where to go for dinner; but when it comes to bigger, more serious matters-like city or suburbs, Christmas or Hanukkah, how many kids to have, or whether to have them at all-compromise isn't always an option. If you're starting to realize that he may not want the same things out of life as you do, then you may want to start thinking of finding someone else.
3. He doesn't do the things he used to do.
Remember when you two first met? Remember all those cute little things he did that made you fall in love with him? Did he tell stupid jokes to make you smile, hold you by the waist when he kissed you good night, and text you from work to tell you he was thinking of you? If those things stopped-which they typically do-you may want to ask yourself what's keeping you in the relationship. Are you really in love with the guy, or did you just fall in love with the way he treated you? Lots of guys can play the game; but when it's game over, don't let his all-star performance keep you in a relationship that you don't really want.
4. You don't do the things you used to do.
On the same note, do you remember the things that you used to do? You probably used to call your girlfriends to analyze the last detail of every date. You probably agonized over whether to call him or wait for him to call you. You probably gushed over his every move. But now that the romance has dwindled down, are you starting to find his every move a little bit obnoxious? If you aren't responding to your man like you used to, it's possible you may be over him without even knowing it.
5. You have thoughts of being with other men.
It's one thing to look; it's another to think. If you find yourself fantasizing about being with other men-not just sexually but also emotionally-you may not be as happy with your current mate as you need to be if things are going to last. Take inventory of how often you consider leaving your relationship for a new one. You may in fact be ready for a change.
If you need help ending a relationship, go here for your break up guide: www.LeavingHim.com
Why We Get Stuck in Unhappy Relationships: 6 Common Reasons
Often times, there's a significant gap between the time we realize a relationship isn't working and the time we pull the plug. Most of us make the mistake of staying too long. Here are some common reasons why people get stuck in unhappy relationships:
1) We do it for "his/her sake"
A common reason for delaying a break up is to prevent our partner from feeling pain. We may feel that the decision to spare our partner's feelings is a noble choice, but in fact it's usually more damaging in the long-run. Your partner has the right to an authentic relationship with someone who wants to be with him or her. By drawing things out and wasting your partner's time, you're doing a disservice to both you and your partner.
Don't use the "I don't want to hurt him/her" excuse to avoid this important decision.
2) We forget we have a choice.
You've become a pair. You more commonly use the term "we" than "I." It takes you a while to realize that relationships aren't written in stone. Relationships should broaden your horizons and add to life's joys. When you find that your relationship has closed you off and made happiness impossible, it's time to remember that you chose this, and now you can choose again.
3) We're so invested
It's the same mentality as the businessman who keeps throwing money at a failing business: You can't stop now, after all that you've invested. This is a common but irrational mentality: The fact that you've spent a lot of time together does not mean that you can't leave in the future.
4) People expect us to stay together
Your friends know you as a happy couple. Perhaps you're even engaged, and families and friends expect a wedding. Maybe you fear you'll be judged by your community or religious organization if you don't keep trying.
Staying on account of other people's expectations is a prescription for continued unhappiness. Be true to yourself first.
5) Obsession with "fixing" the relationship
I've seen sources of relationship advice that maintain that under almost no circumstances should a couple "give up" on making it work. That's nonsense. Sometimes the dynamic between a couple can give rise to a perpetually unhappy -- or even unhealthy -- relationship.
Yes, there are countless resources that will give you advice on how to save a relationship. However, you first have to determine that the relationship has enough value in the first place. Don't go on a mission to save a relationship you don't truly desire.
6) Fear of the break up
If you're with an emotionally volatile, verbally abusive, or physically abusive person, you may be so conditioned to keep the peace that you refuse to even think of breaking up. You know you won't be able to take their reaction, and you may even fear that they'll resort to violence or self-harm (suicide threats, etc.). If this is the case, it's no wonder you're feeling stuck.
The good news is that once you bring these reasons to light, you'll realize that your excuses no longer have merit. If you decide you want to break up but still don't know how you're going to do it (or get through it), I suggest you either seek professional counseling, or get my books:
How to Break Up (for women)
How to Break Up (for men)
Why is Breaking Up So Hard? It Shouldn't Be!
If you're dating a sane, reasonable person, the break-up may be difficult, but it won't feel scary or even impossible. After all, as long as you're sensitive, honest, and kind, your partner should be OK.
However, if you're having problems breaking up, there may be something more going on. Why is the thought of breaking up so intimidating?
- Is your partner verbally or physically abusive?
- Do you feel too much guilt?
- Will your partner be completely devastated if you leave?
- Are you scared that you won't be OK on your own?
Regardless of the answer to the above, if you're not happy and you want to leave, you must break up. If you don't, you're just wasting both your partner's time and your own time.
Here's what you need to know: You have permission to go. A relationship is always a choice. I've said it before: You can break up with anyone at anytime and for any reason. It doesn't matter if you've been together 10 days or 10 years: There is always the possiblility that one partner wants something else out of life or a partner.
Remember: Heartbreak is part of life, and we all agree to the possibility of heartbreak when we get involved with someone. There are no guarantees in love. You're not being cruel to your partner by leaving him or her. The truth is, your partner should not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him or her.
"Get Your Ex Back" Products: Do They Actually Work?
The internet is littered with eBooks and programs on how to get your ex back. I'm constantly seeing ads shouting:
"Get Your Ex Beg You to Come Back, Guaranteed!" "10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Crawling Back!" "Top-Secret Tricks to Win Back Your Girlfriend or Wife!" Are these products legitimate?
They are generally a collection of sometimes common-sense strategies to bring back your ex. Most ideas revolve around:
- Showing off a new confidence, look, and/or personality
- Making the ex jealous by dating/flirting/etc.
- Re-framing the break-up as mutual ("Let's both take a break")
- Showing the ex that you're moving on -- basically, using "reverse psychology."
- ...and a multitude of other strategies and gimmicks.
Do they work?
The better products (I don't endorse any particular one) may give you insight into your past behavior, show you what you may have done to push your ex away, and help you become a more balanced person. They may help you get rid of unattractive qualities (such as neediness), and encourage you to make yourself more attractive. In other words, they may indeed work, helping you get your ex to desire a relationship with you again.
On the other hand, as always, the buyer has to beware. It's a common practice to market products (especially internet products) with phony or highly embellished testimonials. It's also common to "talk up" products well beyond what they're actually able to deliver.
Most "Get Your Ex Back" products are not willing to say what should be obvious: Many times, your partner won't take you back, no matter what you do.
Ask yourself: Have you ever broken up with someone who you absolutely wouldn't take back? Even if they were a great person? Sometimes, one partner just wants or need something else, and the relationship can't work. We all have free will, so take the promises of "Get Your Ex Back" products with a grain of salt.
Marketing to the Desperate
As internet marketers know, desperate customers make the best customers. I'm not saying don't buy these products: It's OK to feel needy and desperate sometimes, and it's OK to seek comfort in quirky internet products. If you have the money, they can help you find some of the perspective and self-esteem you may lost in the break-up (at least, the good ones can).
Just remember that some internet marketers will gladly take advantage of your desperation. Avoid anything that:
- Makes wild promises of "amazing secrets" that are "normally worth thousands of dollars"
- Guarantees that your ex will absolutely come back
- Charges an unreasonable amount of money
- Comes off as slimey, sleazy or manipulative
I believes that it's a seller's responsibility to behave responsibly when it comes to serving "desperate" customers. They should follow certain principles, including the following:
- Make it affordable for everyone who faces the situation -- making it excessively expensive and customers may hurt themselves financially because they feel desperate
- Provide a sample so customers know exactly what they're getting
- Avoid wild claims, manipulative text and false testimonials
I believe that all products marketed to people who are struggling -- including "Get Your Ex Back" products -- should follow these guideline. It's OK to let your broken heart get the best of you. Just don't let marketers take advantage of you during a difficult time in your life.
Break Off an Engagement: How to Break Up With Your Fiance and Avoid a Marriage You Don't Want
A marriage can be a beautiful thing.
But...if you're on the path to marriage, and a part of your brain is yelling, "This isn't what I want!," you may want to reconsider. Sometimes we get caught up in the expectations of our partner, our family, our partner's family, or society ("We've been dating for 2 years, so I guess I have to...").
A relationship is a choice to build something. If you're on the verge of proposing -- or you're already engaged -- and you have a sense that it's not truly what you want...you may be setting both of you up for a difficult life.
By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can't leave.
But if you're not married, you don't have those obligations. You still have a choice.
Unfortunately, most of us have a talent for creating excuses for staying:
- "He'll go berserk if I leave."
- "I'm really close with his family."
- "She's already started planning the wedding."
- "I gave her my word (and a ring)."
Regarding the last point, yes, keeping promises is important, but fulfilling a promise of marriage is the wrong choice if you're experiencing strong doubt. If you made that promise in error, you must let her know sooner rather than later.
The bottom line is this: If you're having strong second thoughts (not just cold feet) about your engagement, or you never felt truly committed to the idea in the first place, you may be destined for:
1) A lifetime of disappointment
2) A difficult divorce
You need to make a decision now, and act on it, so you don't waste BOTH your lives.
Break Up Letters to Boyfriends
How to Write a Break Up Letter to Your Boyfriend
If you're looking for break up letters to boyfriends, it's probably because you seek guidance for an impending break up. You'll find that here. In the future, I'll provide samples of break up letters to boyfriends (not real letters, but something you can model), but for now I want to give some guidelines.
Many people say that a break up letter is never appropriate, and that you should do it face-to-face.
I strongly disagree. Many times, doing it this way is best -- sometimes doing it face-to-face can be too scary (so you end up delaying) or even dangerous (if he has a history of abuse).
We even have a term for break up letters to boyfriends: "A Dear John letter." Of course, in these days, it's not always break up letters; just as often, it's a break up email (though hopefully you're not sending a break up text to your boyfriend!)
Following these break up letter steps and you'll be fine:
Step 1: Why I'm writing
After your "Dear [Boyfriend]," explain the reasons why you couldn't speak face-to-face. Maybe you're scared, maybe he acts violent, or maybe you just feel too guilty to face him. Tell him that you know he would want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.
Step 2: Why we're breaking up
Tell your boyfriend that you've decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-boyfriend's faults.
If there isn't a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his positive qualities, the relationship isn't working for you. Express that you've enjoyed your time together, but now you know it's time for you to move on. Let him know that you'll have fond memories (if it's true).
Step 3: "Get help"
If the relationship was troubled by your his unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that he get help. Repeat that you know that it's time for you to move on, and that -- even if he changes for the better -- your decision remains.
Step 4: Possibly friends?
Although I don't recommend that you bring up friendship, if you want to stay open to the possibility of friendship, you can say so. This generally isn't a good idea, but sometimes it's OK, especially in cases where you were friends first. You can let your boyfriend know know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of friendship down the line.
Step 5: My decision is final
If you don't want to retain any possibility of getting together again, tell him that you are certain in your decision to split, and ask him to respect that. If you don't wish to hear from him again, let him know that calls, visits, and correspondence are not welcome. Remind them that you don't wish to spend any more time discussing what went wrong, and that you're getting on with your life.
Step 6: Apologize
If you did anything to harm your ex-boyfirned -- especially if you cheated or lied to him - apologize in the most heartfelt way possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage says, "All relationships fail until one doesn't," so don't blame yourself simply because your relationship didn't "succeed."
Step 7: "All the best..."
End your break up letter to your boyfriend with your best wishes. Remind him that now it's time to heal, and that you will not be seeking or receiving contact with him. Though it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with "Love, [Your name]."
Remember: Concentrate on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, not analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love him, even if it's true. Mentioning your love for him will only confuse him and give false hope, so avoid it.
Break ups are hard to do, and even writing a break up letter to your boyfriend can be an exhausting experience. Take some time for yourself, and then get on with your life!
Finally, if you're looking for more guidance on how to properly end a relationship, check out the
break up manual for women.
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